Spilt tea, raving rants, and a bittersweet f u to my former self.

Hello reader,

It's been awhile, hello and how are you?

I wonder if someone will read this who has read one of my first blogs some time ago, if so, maybe you would ask, what the hell happened?

I often find myself pondering this de+lulu kind thing. Although this last round was probably the worst of timing, that final straw, or the classic…oh forget it, this guy is hopeless, it has brought more clarity, maturity, and revelation in a short amount of time then a few past years put together.

I'll try to share this in a condensed way if possible so as to not keep you a day or two reading my word salads as some would say. Lol

Recently I fell into a time of refinement, threshing, correction, and healing. This, with the now discovery of masks, trauma, mindsets, and a false perception of self, all coming to the surface, and the unrest between my friend groups just took me down again.

I have friends who are spiritual, religious, atheist, and none of the above. This is great in some regard because the beauty of diversity, however, the not so great is overwhelming to me. As I love you all the same, when division happens and hate is spewed between the parties, I become sad, angry, confused, (wrong I know) self-righteous, and ultimately feeling defeated and powerless.

I believe people in the world are reflections of ourselves in different stages of awareness, self discovery, our internal heart, and self image. So, maybe I'm still broken somewhere and need to heal a division through a union of sorts so my reflection can build a bridge.

This time of introspection has brought a lesson, a hard lesson, an embarrassing lesson, ha!

They opened my eyes to a brick already laid to that bridge I had envisioned throughout my days. It's been there for a while, I was blind to it, but it seems, fate or destiny had me to trip right over it.

In the scriptures, Jesus mentioned first removing the plank from your eye then worrying about the splinter in your brother's. Originally, I thought for sure I had that one in the bag. Nope! Apparently one of my eyes was closed, or I remained asleep in some way to hide.

I've realized I'm no longer the person I was just a few months ago!

In a conversation with one of my friends I mentioned that person was fake, referring to myself. This seemed to flow out from within like some would joke as a Freudian slip. It then took a few months to get some understanding of that blurb.

In my pursuit for success I've been told to make all the socials, music apps, etc. All fun at first and makes sense, provides network contacts and keeps busy for a few. Eventually this all becomes a chore, a daily requirement, an ever-changing hoop of fire to jump through and a slow creeping negativity that starts to fester in my subconscious. Comparison, fomo, envy, and the list goes, so, I went as well. Thus in my pursuit, I've had a way to self sabotage and destruct at the same time.

In my first years I erased my social profiles due to my battle against suicide in all honesty. It served some outlet to off myself online to quiet the screaming impulse to end it all by any means necessary. In hindsight, fear, shame, and a lack of identity riddle me. I just couldn't comprehend it at the time.

Then my professional and or artistic projects suffered the same fate. Although the sense of identity was forming. This was somewhat still influenced by my tendencies but not as deafening to hope if that makes sense.

Then,the new me! Version 3.0 felt secured, triumphant, and ready to take on the world. Gotcha! Did you really think you could do anything? You're a fool, and one who knows better! And the negativity continued with ferocity this time! It seemed also to elevate to a version 3.0

It felt like I'm walking around with swords in my back, but really, I was just laying on a bed of nails.

Ok let's try this one last time, for sure, and for real - for real, fuck em all! and “it’ for that matter!

Welp you guessed it…blarpp!

Fair warning - I may use more profanities to reinforce the significantly negative identity I had been boxing myself into or learned toxic behaviors that now were second nature.

This one really hurt, it took a time and then I returned once more with some hope, not as much as before, still a little, however, I was just joining back in like a zombie. A defeated zombie at that, with no hunger, even for brains.

I kept going because of pride, I won't be totally defeated, crushed, and totally fucked because I m a worthless, incompetent, stained, wasted of air who is stinky and better off shooting heroin in hopes of OD because you fucking suck you piece of shit.

At this point I'm hurting, I don't know anything, I'm just bombarded with overwhelming anxiety, self loathing, and bitterness. I'm walking around with rain clouds. Not just one like the peanuts character, I'm talking clouds as far as the eyes can see! Rolling in like the videos you see when under a wave.

The whole time I'm getting somewhere, I'm gaining notoriety with my art, I'm making new friends and colleagues. Despite the growing despair and gaping soul wounds, just maybe a small feeling that some one might actually give a shit or at least have pity on me for some personal attention.

I'm a walking contradiction, a dying soul with the brightest smile you've ever seen. I'm becoming bubbly, outgoing, happy to see you and all the things. All the things expected of me, all the things I wished to be. All the damn things I can't be no matter how damn hard I try.

If I just keep taking it , if I keep pouring out, if I keep on keeping it will get better. I hear someone screaming, I hear in the distance, a familiar voice, I hear a sense of detachment. With every smile, every time I tried to be a source of light, understanding, mercy and a voice of encouragement, I felt more and more fake!

Not fake in a sense oh I'm having crappy day and I just pleasantly smile because it's polite, it doesn't open up conversation, and who wants to hear your whiny bull shit, your a dumb fuck.

Fake in the sense, I was just an automated projection of a sense of hope I used to hold, a tired and hollow shell, debating if I should even pray for God to help me anymore. Just let me die, and strangely feeling like if I ask God to take away this pain, this feeling to sabotage, to destroy, to end, to rebel, He actually might!

This is how sick I became, angry and hateful because of unanswered prayers with a lack of faith but terrified He might actually answer this one and I’ll be fucked another 100 lifetimes! Because! Again!, I'm a piece of shit or something, nobody even knows at this point and life continues to say..better luck next time asshole!

God I really need you to come through! I'm already dead!

As I stumble out of my truck foaming at the mouth from pain and emotional anguish I'm totally convinced I'm committing, finally to something! Something permanent, something I should stick out to the end but because I'm so dumb or weak I . I've never been able to do it before, that's why all the people left you, you're just no good.

After this, it is a blur, I hurt a lot that I can remember. I can't recall if this was after my most recent digital scrub or before?

We are circling back to the plank, I promise, hang in there. hehehe

Mysteriously, just a random day, I awakened to a new start, a fresh opportunity to make the life I'm dreaming of. I'm not sure why I don't wish to die a thousand times this day but I won't question it. Okay, I think things are good, I fell down, I'm healing, every other word isn't fuck or shit and…yeah…it's good, I'm getting back up.

Hmmmm! Oh! I'm sorry! Umm. Did you think you actually got away! Haha got you again.

Ok so now, I'm on the verge of totally acceptance of psychosis. I'm not sure what that exactly means other than you're damn crazy and reality is subjective to your deranged mind.

I can't do this again I think to myself, something is off, I'm blind or there is a lesson I can't seem to learn because I don't know what it is.

Search me oh God and remove any unclean thing from my heart..

This reminds me of a joke during prayer with my recovery group. I would ask for direction in my life and they would say something like, west! Haha laughing filled the room. Whatever guys! And then the classic, Lord help me to have patience and laughter cried out again, why are you laughing? I said at the time, you'll find out! they said..

Hence 10 years later, here we are! And yes I found out why they laugh, again ! whatever guys!

I need a social media manager for my personal creative projects. I feel very comfortable and detached with others, but for myself, after overcoming my challenges, I realized, I just don't like to do it, even after all the discovery and that plank removal I've been hinting at all this time. I want a real connection in my life. Maybe that's why I've been drawn to get a manager and enlisted the service of a life coach.

So, the plank!

As I surrender to Patience, that searching of my heart begins to reveal itself. I've cried both in prayer and tears many times why things don't work out in my life. I've tried to work harder, pray louder, and try new things that I thought were good. None of course seems to change anything and at times makes things worse.

Why, to what, to how can I, to what the hell man!?

All the wrong questions from the same person who always thought he was right. I always think of things I can do, not so much who I am as a person. Well, why do you say, umm duh! I know who I am and I got stuff figured out.. hello! Don't you know that.

Uhmmm what is that poking out. Oh yeah that pesky plank I never saw or seemed to want to do at the gym.

The only one who doesn't know a damn thing around here is you!

Within all my emotional outbursts, self discovery and the like, fear has ruled. Little by little as I caved to pressure, allowed my voice to become quieter, and misguided trying to prevent uncomfortable social interactions, I became Leon the people pleaser..who this after some time becomes nameless. Just do, you are being kind, blah blah and it's your Christian enlightened way of being good.

One of my fears going to seminary was the threat of extinguishing the wonder of my creator in heaven, my God, my very breath, and the one who heard my cries as a child for a father. Theology must be understood, packaged, and repeated easily. Knowledge and wisdom are King here.

I'll try to be more brief then before because I just realized the sun is come up and I must soon go clean up more of my broken dreams and continue this life..meh..lol

While I'm seminary and walking about in the church, I had become someone who conformed to an image, not transformed. Although I thought I operated in love, I operated in judgment because I was so scared to be the person who I was, the evil, dirty, and no good fallen sheep.

Thank the heavens now I'm clean and an angel. All these people are bad and we are good I so arrogantly and proudly oblivious believed.

This again is not who I am. When God found me I remember being filled with love. He showed me not only in his creation from its intended peace, but all the love he has during its growth and unfolding. Each person I met had so many interesting qualities, beautiful and strong in unique ways, and a blessing He was showing me. I welcomed challenges, growing, learning, and even being wrong because learning was thrilling.

Life seemed to have a way of growing that kid up before his time. Maybe for this moment to say, I've tasted the goodness of God, I've walked in the shadows of death and made my home in the dirt and yet, Love prevails.

Love allowed the plank to be formed, to be seen, and to be removed.

It feels like a dream or some vision I had in a fantasy, a meeting took place a few years ago. It's a bit hazy and surrounded with chance, serendipity, and my dumb luck. I was allowed to see a soul, a future, and a heart that beat a rhythm I once danced to.

This soul appeared in a container not as I would have imagined to house such a force. This soul, this encounter, shook me to my core as that searching of the heart thing I mentioned before has brought back to my memory. Have you ever heard the phrase “I was taken aback’?

In this memory, dream, or fantasy (sometimes I'm not sure it's real at all) I was taken like never before. It's happened 1 time in a similar way in the past but this was filled with delight unlike before filled with incredible intrigue and magnitude I had to shut down real quick.

Oh man, I'm never gonna get this done…typing is driving me crazy right now. I want to stop and go buy a dictation software. I know that road tho, I ll get to the store and figure it costs too much, I shouldn't need it, and then who cares, procrastinating and then never doing a darn thing.

Keep typing! One letter at a time…..one damn! Letter at a time….for the love of God….ahahahahjjjhhh.

That's me ranting my head. I hope it made you laugh. If you can't laugh at your stupidity, then you're no fun and I stick my tongue out at you. Na nana booboo..

Anywho, holy avocado what's your name?

At this time I remember I was trying to find myself, trying to be a person who never could, and one thing for sure is, I was going to be outgoing now, not introvert lonely man, but a super cool dude I remember to be at some point 🫠.

This is why I even ventured over to say hello.

Like wow, what is happening right now, I'm on a quest to be an awesome person and getting to the love of my life and things are just as planned and boom! A racing thunder crossed my mind, I thought to myself, I'm chasing the wrong person..and then I snapped back to the conversation.

I'll skip some details to save them for later but soon after I come to process the whole encounter in a strange way. I think I was in shock, I had never known a feeling like that. The journey goes wonky after that.

Out of curiosity I cautiously started looking to see who this person was. I mean, it was so intense, I had to make sure what the hell happened, happened right! . And so, I looked into Pandora. Well, let's just sayyyy, past the jam because I was toast. Yep, this one is dangerous.

I still haven't remembered all the details but after seeing her again and having this flood of emotions, attraction, and curiosity I was convinced, it's the devil, no mere woman can do this to me! How dare you, seriously! This has to be a spell of some form of which I was convinced no love spell could exist, and yet take me! No way!

Literally as I type this I'm remembering my thoughts and feelings. I was so freaked out I thought I would immediately block and forgot! I'm almost positive I peeked another time and was like yep! again, walk away! Walk away fast!

I continue in my journey oblivious, head strong, heart intact, and sure I was going the right way.

More details I'll skip as for consideration later tell or personal conversations about my life while broken down at a dive bar. Fast forward

I reached another crossroads in my life and was thinking about my misfortune, mistakes, and mysteries. After a time of complete outta sight outta mind boom 💥 there she is again. This time I was hazy and thought to myself oh yeah I met this cool person and whatever happened to them anyway.

Stocking commences! Lol

In this era I was shedding some behaviors that I was rejecting due to some stuff and thought to myself, why did I ever block this person, oh sure she's a hot mama but I was thinking, this person could be my friend, damn I love her soul, where was I all this time.

I admired all she had accomplished and was so thankful the vision had come to be and her life was good and was like, shame on me, first for running from my emotions or whatever and not processing them in a mature way, but shame on me for judging and not telling my church friends, hey, this person is cool with me.

And life goes on as usual for me. I think another year went by and I was just wandering the earth doing the crazy things I do and then everything started to change.

In the past so many months I had received all I had ever prayed for, accomplished every task I set to do, and was set to soar…then it hit me!

Spiral spiral spiral oh how I have missed you my old friend, I see you have upped your game!

More skipping details…

The other morning I woke up a completely different person. No rhyme, no reason, just the right side of the bed I guess. I was feeling like a child of sorts, carefree and just going about.

Mind you, during those details I skipped. My soul cried out for this person from my subconscious during a 3 am prayer session. I have no idea why, it was from within. So I chuck it out as to be some freak thing or maybe I looked at her Instagram recently and like eating before bed, you get weird dreams and then think they have a deeper meaning but they tell you it's just because you ate pizza right before bed! So maybe that's what happened. Again outta sight outta mind.

I believe a relationship with the Divine unfolds in cosmic ways too vast to fully understand, explain, and properly process an encounter without many years of contemplation.

While on the threshing floor the plank came to my attention and a reminder of this soul. So Pandora! I'm knocking again, is anybody at home, why yes there is, this person you judged by appearance and unwarranted fear of reverting to a life of sin and destruction.

This time the Holy Spirit shines the grace of God over the person, the shackles of preconceived stereotypes I held in my shadow, and over my time of disobedience to love's command.

As my judgement fell with those heavy shackles ,her wisdom was illuminated to my spirit. I was ashamed of how I treated this person in my heart and mind. How could I be so blind. I was living a lie.

Remember earlier I told you the person was fake?

I had become everything program, trauma, and expectations fulfilled by the ultimate people pleaser of others. I had become the very thing I was trying to save others from.

They say people are mirrors, this one reflected who I truly was. Hence the plank was in vision.

As I journey now bare, healing, and letting myself find myself again, the splinters of the plank are taken out little by little. My Life coach kicks my butt but helps me to see.

Helps me to see I'm not all I wanted to be, but thank God, I'm more than I ever thought I could.

Who knows if I'll run into this person again or if I'll rejoin the social media with any regularity. For now, I freely accept my singledom and em

brace what life, God, and love have in-store for me, not on my phone .. 😂

Love ya

P.s the bittersweet f u to my former self was “found you’not F you like you thought..geez 🤣