Never meant to be your nightmare: a poem, rant, and confession.
Dear woman of my dreams,
Funny how things work out. If you're the yin to my yang, I guess we never balanced out with the little dots. They say the devil is in the details, and that's who I used to think of you. A device in the details to shipwreck me with a siren’s song. But that was a mermaid I thought was you. A soft and playful allure into the depths.
I arose today from a dream of you, as I often do. The dreams at times find us as lovers, sometimes friends, and others…a chance for unity frequency in the great Divine. This day seemed a bit unusual as my blissful haze focused into revelation. Projections, manifestations, and hopeless imaginations weave a thread of accountability. A charge of responsibility that must be reciprocated in justice.
“From your tower, a shadow I did fall.”
I originally had written that for another. As I'm stricken to my knees, as the wrench of your kindness is not found, lost and confused in the empty place once filled with faith, there I remember.
My mind is flooded with the defense I stacked against you, my heart is shattered stone, my spirit is tied to a wheel. I find now, long before this other, I was in shackles, I had sunk to ole Davey's locker. As I ran, as I tried to hide, as I let the current take me out, I silenced your call of life to death in the lips of vanity.
As the sun set, so did my vision.
At some moments, I couldn't understand the yearning in my heart. I didn't want to believe I had been blind for so long.
In the scriptures, we read about God as a strong tower where we may find rest, safety, and healing. This tower was struck by lightning ⚡. Lighting can be blinding; it strikes from an opposite point of view, and its pattern is ever-changing. As the light hid you in my shadow, I became turned upside down. As above, so below, my friend is now my foe.
Oh, how I did I get here, my song now goes.
Back to the bliss:
As so did you, so now do I.
I think about all the things. It feels like it's all in my head. Like now, my heart should go on, but I write you instead, thinking how I spoke to you in death. I was striking at my enemy, the blinding light that tore us apart. Taking the knife and digging in with a couple twists.
This in turn…To your heart I tried to break, so mine would not.
As I experience the fallout of letting myself feel to heal, I suffer a heart half broken. Breaking down on the side of the road, being assaulted by the misery, confusion, and overwhelming impulses you had felt some time ago. I think to myself, wow? Damn! I'm your fucking nightmare.
A bird who sung you a song of love, only to trap you in a cage of hate. To visit you here and there to tap around like a fish tank. And then, I open the door and before you could fly again, I knocked the whole thing down, breaking your wing as it was crushed between the floor as your escape was lost.
You're strong, a quality I find attractive about you, strong enough to eventually heal, fly away without looking back. I say bravo, brave sparrow, well done, oh wise owl, it has been a blessing to see you soar, oh Phoenix of fire. I don't know why I see an angel in your eyes, but the devil in a red dress in your body. Maybe because life can't be hidden after all. As Eve is life to all, and life, you are my dear heart.
As the days went on, I would remember you here and there. I think of this as the sunlight shifting and reflecting in the ripples of that water I sank in chasing the mermaid. Every now and again, a piece of my heart fell into your rays.
I was genuinely happy to see you happy, although bittersweet in the faint acknowledgement, I still was encouraged to see your smile and I know you're a good judge of character, I mean you loved me at one time…😛😛 so I knew the man you choose could be good to you because you are intelligent, intentional, and not flippant with the heart unless you have to be.
So why the hurt, why the tears and agony now you're gone.
They call 2025 the year of the snake, and we're to be shedding stuff. If you ponder the 13th month theory, we are just about to cross over. TBH, I'm scared to go without you; I fear it will be said and done before the delusions ever begin. I'm trying to grasp you with open hands, not fist, not clingy, but free to catch, free to feel the quick touch as our hands let go.
Now that I see you, who am I, if not reflecting in your eyes? Maybe that's why these deep emotions are finally breaking through, maybe it's a realization you and I were karmic, maybe that's why I now, I allow all this love for you.
They say the symbolism of a snake eating itself is the circle of life. Well, apparently, a horse is coming by to stomp that out. If truly we are such a flame, we are due to separate. I then think of what the twins represent: light and shadows, death and life, broken yet whole. My inner self is in turmoil. With the big push of healing, the snakes now ascend to a higher love. I like to imagine that we gravitate around a thread of pure love. In the Bible, it reads that a strand of 3 chords is not easily broken. After healing, the snake grows wings and flies away. Thus, hopefully, on some rainy day, they make their way back to a place they once played.
The story goes that the staff of Hermes is one snake of healing, and then another version of 2 with wings at the top for other reasons.
Two becoming one. As with the two paths, maybe paths will cross again when I'm whole.
I'm honored to know you, I always want to be a safe place for you, I want to be a person who can do all of life with you together or apart and still receive you as my friend, my soul and my very breath, but right now, I'm a man before you asking for forgiveness, and soul in admiration of your grace. I pray you have a beautiful life, your husband will cover, protect, and guide you with honor and respect. I pray you find all the things you deserve and more to give to others. I pray somehow throughout all of this, a simple thing you will remember of me from this 💌…
“I'm a lot of things, some I own, some I regret, but one thing I never wanted to be was your nightmare”.
L